by Jones | January 5, 2009 | In Jones, Mr. Pickles, Video | 2 Comments
Maybe it’s the beer, maybe it’s the fresh air, but something magical happens when Mr. Pickles takes to the course in a brilliant ariel display of the finest game ever to be played.
Nicklaus, Snead, Norman, Woods, Pickles…
by Mr. Pickles | January 4, 2009 | In Mr. Pickles, Photos | No Comments
So Jones and Pickles try for six months to set up a date on which we have mutually-agreeable schedules to play some golf and the only thing we can manage to make happen, despite our New Year’s resolutions, is this shit…
Since everything we try to plan ends in a giant clusterfuck, we should have known better than to expect a different result this time around. Uhhh - no….
Our mutual friend Chewbacca decided to join us so we all scrambled at the last minute to find a fourth. Who would have known that everyone the three of us know may have already made plans for their Saturday and couldn’t get their ass to the course in the 27 minutes we gave them before our tee time. Fuck ‘em….it’s a three-some (not like that - it’s a golf term, faggot)
Because we are all poor as hell we decide to play at what is advertised as “the busiest golf course in the Southeast USA”. No shit - $15 for a round with cart, $1.00 shots, and $2.00 beers…yeah…this is going to end well…
Just before it’s our turn at the tee, some dude walks up and introduces himself as “Tom from New Jersey”. He’s on vacation and wanted to get some golf in before he goes home. The Ranger decided he should play with us.
Well, Pickles and Chewbacca are already in a cart together and Jones is in tow, when Mr. Jersey plops his ass into Jones’ cart…
From that moment forward, he was “affectionately” referred to as “Timmy”!
The day started with an overly-packed course filled with people of all sorts who make me feel like Tiger-Freaking-Woods at St. Andrews. Seriously - dude - Jeans and a Hooters shirt - really? When this crew has to comment on your golf clothing, you have issues…really…ask our friends…you suck…get off my course and out of my freaking way already…
We had some of this….
A lot of this…
and a healthy dose of this…
Long story short, this place was so busy we played three hours and only got in the front nine.
Soooooo…GOLF GODS HEAR ME WELL!!!! YOU OWE JONES AND PICKLES SOME BACKSIDE NINE ACTION!!!! (again - golf term - not in a man-pleasing way - we like chicks and have proof!)
Pickles out….
PS - Message to Galaxie - “Golf Cart In The Lake” is still a crowd favorite! 2009! It’s the new 1997!!!
by Mr. Pickles | January 1, 2009 | In Mr. Pickles, Photos | No Comments
Well fuck! Another year is gone and I’m still broke…
Let’s check in with all of my friends around planet earth to see how they spent the arrival of baby new year.
Like everything that happens in the lives of Jones and Pickles, let’s start with the normal and slowly progress to the strange…
New York City
Normal folks - kissing in Times Square - good ol’ American New Year’s Eve!
New York City - Part 2
Earlier that day in Times Square - these nice young ladies came to the Big Apple with dreams of the “Best New Year’s Like Ever! Totally!”. Unfortunately, they each left with the bastard love child of some dude named “Chocolate Thunder”. That’s life in the big city ladies. Happy New Year!
US Military - Iraq
Do American’s know how to party? You’re 4,000 miles from home and it’s 182 degrees in the middle of the fucking desert during winter, but does that slow you down? Hell No! Who wants to see my IED?
California - USA
Uhg… Hey Arnold - Happy New Year - You will not be back!
Berlin, Germany
In the true German tradition, at midnight, you kiss your girl then you LIGHT YOUR HEAD ON FIRE IN HONOR OF DAS FEUER!!!!
Lisbon, Spain
I only included this one because it’s a photo of revelers in Lisbon, Spain and the dude who took the photo is named “Nacho Doce”. Seriously? You live in Spain and your name is Nacho? Fucking Awesome!
Sydney, Australia
We couldn’t leave out Sydney - they are the first major city in the world to cross into the new year so Happy New Year Mates!
Some Towel-Head Country
Enjoy our oil money for another year you fucking beach-polo-playing-camel-fuckers!!!
Hong Kong - P.R.C. (Yup - it’s been 12 years - that shit is gone forever)
Apparently in Hong Kong, you celebrate the new year by running into a 37 degree ocean and drowning yourself. Oh well - there’s another 2 fucking billion of them to go…
Some shit-hole in Asia
Just another day here…what the hell are you Americans talking about again?
Tokyo, Japan
I had no idea - it seems that in Japan on NYE, you put on womans’ clothing and ass fuck an eel…Happy New Year Daniel Son! My rice-dick bring you good luck in 2009!
Palestine
Oh wait - let me guess - death to the infidels in 2009! Death to America! Death to Obama! Happy New Year Camel-Fuckers! Here’s to another year of Jesus dominating over Muhammad. Boo-Yah! You feel that? That’s Christianity Fucking With You! (I’m so going to die now…)
So now that I’ve done my part to offend people the world-over, here’s a poem for 2009…
Rose are Red
Violets are blue
My scotch is running low
and my bank account is too
If your life sucks in 2009
You can always compare it to Jones’ and mine
Despite plans for success and world-domination
we know better than to give into jail-bait temptation
Yeah - LG - that one was for you
Find a good man that’s good for you too
I’m buzzed off Johnny Walker
and I don’t know what’s next
Holy shit I’m mostly drunk
and just rhymed that crap-text
So Happy New Year to all and to all a good night
I’m off to get loving of hugs, kisses, and bites!
She won’t care Pickles! Publish this shit!
Oh fuck - I think I’m going to puke….Ohhh!!! Popcorn!!!
what was I doing again?
Do I have any scotch left? FUCK YEAH!!! THREE MORE FUCKING GLASSES!!!!
Scotchy-schotchy-schotchy….
maoiHF8ahwfionqEGNuoqghoGNQasfnasoifhaoiafnoiauou niowqjhrioqwejrioqiopjqrpjqrpoqkf!!! mii ,l,uy lysl;ohrnnf8889 klkaul;00- lllsal;;!11 new year….
by Mr. Pickles | December 25, 2008 | In Mr. Pickles | 2 Comments
A poem for the New Year…As always, if it means nothing to you - fuck off!
Never regret Love’s sorrow and pain
For Love given freely is never in vain
If you’ve never experienced Love’s life-altering cost
You’ll never appreciate Love’s life-altering loss
When two hearts that were one are broken in half
There’s much less of a summation after the fact
The dawn seems too dim when loves comes to an end
But two who loved as one should always be friends
Respect is the key to finding love anew
There’s nothing gained in being hurtful, petty, and cruel
When the debts are high and the assets are few
You should work through the nonsense as two friends should do
Whenever I feel lost and defeated as a man
I trust in a higher Power, for He has a plan
The drink and the nightlife comfort me a bit
But in the end, I know, it doesn’t mean shit
Despite my outward persona I pray to above
and thank the Good Lord for my friends, family, and love
And to my new Love I promise this shall pass
I swear that I’ll learn from the experience of what’s past
Wow, I just wrote that and it sounds so gay
But just like Carlito said, “Sometimes it be’s that way…”
by Mr. Pickles | December 21, 2008 | In General, Mr. Pickles | No Comments
I do not, under any circumstance, ever again want to hear the following phrase…
“I love your site, but the photos and pictures are, like, sometimes hard to read”.
CLICK ON THEM YOU FUCKING WINDOW LICKER!!! They get big and shit…
We are finished with you stupid fucks…Jones and Pickles will not waste our brilliance on ignorance!
by Mr. Pickles | December 21, 2008 | In Mr. Pickles, Rants | No Comments
Imagine this…
Mr. Pickles is going about his daily business and is suddenly sidetracked by an unexpected necessary task. Yeah - surprising, I know…
On the way back to the place with the thing with the necessary item Pickles sees something that defies logic…
HOLY SHIT THIS IS THE FUNNIEST THING I’VE SEEN IN A WEEK - WHERE THE FUCK IS MY CAMERA PHONE??? Are you kidding me? This douchebag has no idea that I’m taking a picture of him?
Now before you see the photo (for those of you that still have a 14 inch monitor and have to scroll down - seriously - a fucking 21″ is like $89 - buck up already) - wait - where was I - oh yeah - fail photo…
I know it’s a shitty photo but it’s the best I could do at 40mph. For those of you who were not in the Longwood Florida area today, let me explain. This fine specimen of a man was advertising for L.A. Fitness.
Despite his 1920’s-era sandwich board wares, this poor bastard didn’t realize that perhaps the best way to entice members to join a health & work-out club is to try something other than LOOKING LIKE A FUCKING POTHEAD STANDING IN FRONT OF A FUCKING LIQUOR STORE!!!
I am so done with society! WHY THE FUCK AM I NOT A FUCKING BILLIONAIRE YET???
by Mr. Pickles | December 18, 2008 | In General, Mr. Pickles | No Comments
by Mr. Pickles | December 14, 2008 | In Mr. Pickles, Rants | 2 Comments
Pickles is done! Pickles has had enough of:
Fed Refuses to Disclose Recipients of $2 Trillion
That’s right folks! Your elected officials gave this PRIVATE CORPORATION the authority to lend $2,000,000,000,000 of YOUR MONEY and they have basically said, “uh - we did something with it - uh - I’m sure it’s here somewhere - uh - Stevens, have you seen it? - No? - Fuck! We’ll have to get back to you on that one guys.”
(You didn’t know the Federal Reserve was a private corporation? You may want to reconsider your level of civic commitment in the society in which you find yourself).
Let’s face the facts my fine folks (alliteration rocks but that’s not the point), we are going to hell in a hand basket. If any of you think this economy is about to turn around, you may want to study your history. We are set for the mother of all depressions which should become more and more apparent as we approach Summer/Fall 2009.
Get Ready People! Pickles knows things…
PS - Pickles is transitioning his lifestyle and portfolio to cash, barter, silver, gold (in that order - try to find my shit now you greedy mother fuckers!)
by Mr. Pickles | December 12, 2008 | In Mr. Pickles, News | 3 Comments
Casey Anthony, a long time party girl in the Greater Orlando Florida area, may have just made a terrible and life-altering mistake. This is just my opinion on what may have happened, but consider this for a scenario…
Casey the party girl wanted to go drinking at one of the various bars or clubs around Orlando. She couldn’t find a sitter so, having experimented with chloroform, had an idea. Why not administer a little chloroform to a rag and use it to put Caylee asleep for a few hours. She could sleep comfortably in the trunk of the car until the clubbing was done.
Unfortunately, if this was her plan, it was an ill-conceived one. Does she deserve the death penalty for this? I would say no due to the strict Florida statute that regulates such crimes. She does, however, deserve every day of the sentence she is going to serve.
Again, this is just one man’s opinion based on nothing other than the facts that have been released so far. It’s just as plausible as any other theory. It’s a sad, fucked up world out there.
by Mr. Pickles | December 11, 2008 | In Mr. Pickles, Photos | No Comments
I don’t even have anything to say about this one…and that’s saying something for me…
