Jones and Pickles

So Jones and Pickles try for six months to set up a date on which we have mutually-agreeable schedules to play some golf and the only thing we can manage to make happen, despite our New Year’s resolutions, is this shit…

Since everything we try to plan ends in a giant clusterfuck, we should have known better than to expect a different result this time around. Uhhh - no….

Our mutual friend Chewbacca decided to join us so we all scrambled at the last minute to find a fourth. Who would have known that everyone the three of us know may have already made plans for their Saturday and couldn’t get their ass to the course in the 27 minutes we gave them before our tee time. Fuck ‘em….it’s a three-some (not like that - it’s a golf term, faggot)

Because we are all poor as hell we decide to play at what is advertised as “the busiest golf course in the Southeast USA”. No shit - $15 for a round with cart, $1.00 shots, and $2.00 beers…yeah…this is going to end well…

Just before it’s our turn at the tee, some dude walks up and introduces himself as “Tom from New Jersey”. He’s on vacation and wanted to get some golf in before he goes home. The Ranger decided he should play with us.

Well, Pickles and Chewbacca are already in a cart together and Jones is in tow, when Mr. Jersey plops his ass into Jones’ cart…

From that moment forward, he was “affectionately” referred to as “Timmy”!

The day started with an overly-packed course filled with people of all sorts who make me feel like Tiger-Freaking-Woods at St. Andrews. Seriously - dude - Jeans and a Hooters shirt - really? When this crew has to comment on your golf clothing, you have issues…really…ask our friends…you suck…get off my course and out of my freaking way already…

We had some of this….

A lot of this…

and a healthy dose of this…

Long story short, this place was so busy we played three hours and only got in the front nine.

Soooooo…GOLF GODS HEAR ME WELL!!!! YOU OWE JONES AND PICKLES SOME BACKSIDE NINE ACTION!!!! (again - golf term - not in a man-pleasing way - we like chicks and have proof!)

Pickles out….

PS - Message to Galaxie - “Golf Cart In The Lake” is still a crowd favorite! 2009! It’s the new 1997!!!

Well fuck! Another year is gone and I’m still broke…

Let’s check in with all of my friends around planet earth to see how they spent the arrival of baby new year.

Like everything that happens in the lives of Jones and Pickles, let’s start with the normal and slowly progress to the strange…

New York City

Normal folks - kissing in Times Square - good ol’ American New Year’s Eve!

New York City - Part 2

Earlier that day in Times Square - these nice young ladies came to the Big Apple with dreams of the “Best New Year’s Like Ever! Totally!”. Unfortunately, they each left with the bastard love child of some dude named “Chocolate Thunder”. That’s life in the big city ladies. Happy New Year!

US Military - Iraq

Do American’s know how to party? You’re 4,000 miles from home and it’s 182 degrees in the middle of the fucking desert during winter, but does that slow you down? Hell No! Who wants to see my IED?

California - USA

Uhg… Hey Arnold - Happy New Year - You will not be back!

Berlin, Germany

In the true German tradition, at midnight, you kiss your girl then you LIGHT YOUR HEAD ON FIRE IN HONOR OF DAS FEUER!!!!

Lisbon, Spain

I only included this one because it’s a photo of revelers in Lisbon, Spain and the dude who took the photo is named “Nacho Doce”. Seriously? You live in Spain and your name is Nacho? Fucking Awesome!

Sydney, Australia

We couldn’t leave out Sydney - they are the first major city in the world to cross into the new year so Happy New Year Mates!

Some Towel-Head Country

Enjoy our oil money for another year you fucking beach-polo-playing-camel-fuckers!!!

Hong Kong - P.R.C. (Yup - it’s been 12 years - that shit is gone forever)

Apparently in Hong Kong, you celebrate the new year by running into a 37 degree ocean and drowning yourself. Oh well - there’s another 2 fucking billion of them to go…

Some shit-hole in Asia

Just another day here…what the hell are you Americans talking about again?

Tokyo, Japan

I had no idea - it seems that in Japan on NYE, you put on womans’ clothing and ass fuck an eel…Happy New Year Daniel Son! My rice-dick bring you good luck in 2009!

Palestine

Oh wait - let me guess - death to the infidels in 2009! Death to America! Death to Obama! Happy New Year Camel-Fuckers! Here’s to another year of Jesus dominating over Muhammad. Boo-Yah! You feel that? That’s Christianity Fucking With You! (I’m so going to die now…)

So now that I’ve done my part to offend people the world-over, here’s a poem for 2009…

Rose are Red
Violets are blue

My scotch is running low
and my bank account is too

If your life sucks in 2009
You can always compare it to Jones’ and mine

Despite plans for success and world-domination
we know better than to give into jail-bait temptation

Yeah - LG - that one was for you
Find a good man that’s good for you too

I’m buzzed off Johnny Walker
and I don’t know what’s next

Holy shit I’m mostly drunk
and just rhymed that crap-text

So Happy New Year to all and to all a good night
I’m off to get loving of hugs, kisses, and bites!

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Wow - I really should save this shit and review it when I’m not buzzed. Fuck it - push the “publish” button Pickles. No - wait. shit…..

She won’t care Pickles! Publish this shit!

Oh fuck - I think I’m going to puke….Ohhh!!! Popcorn!!!

what was I doing again?

Do I have any scotch left? FUCK YEAH!!! THREE MORE FUCKING GLASSES!!!!

Scotchy-schotchy-schotchy….

maoiHF8ahwfionqEGNuoqghoGNQasfnasoifhaoiafnoiauou niowqjhrioqwejrioqiopjqrpjqrpoqkf!!! mii ,l,uy lysl;ohrnnf8889 klkaul;00- lllsal;;!11 new year….

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And yes for those of you who can’t figure it out, click on them

Who likes to party? JONES LIKES TO PARTY, hey it’s tuesday, you have to get up at 7am… fuck it

Speaking of retarded, let me tell you how much I hate driving in Orlando… nobody can drive… nobody, I hate it.  Especially Canadians… what the hell?

So I was talking to this girl this morning and I just couldn’t help myself… Jones you are fucking helarious (click for bigger image)

I don’t even have anything to say about this one…and that’s saying something for me…

OK - Since Gorilla Mask, Fark, and other sites use the phrase “Caption This Photo”, I’ve decided to be a little more original and change our weekly photo postings to “Photo Phun”. Let’s have your comments…

• Dude, when you said we were going for Sheepshead, I thought we were going fishing”
  
• Worst Garage Sale Ever!
  
• Bah Bah Blacksheep, have you any…what…the…fuck?
  
• Mary had a little lamb, he was delicious…
  

He’s fucking dead, how many times does Jones have to tell you?

Can we please introduce our American Cultural-Cock inside their borders already?