I’m an open minded guy… but once you start putting live eels up your anus you’ve crossed a line, I think.

wtf

Motherfuckin Japanese Anal Eels

Imagine this…

Mr. Pickles is going about his daily business and is suddenly sidetracked by an unexpected necessary task. Yeah - surprising, I know…

On the way back to the place with the thing with the necessary item Pickles sees something that defies logic…

HOLY SHIT THIS IS THE FUNNIEST THING I’VE SEEN IN A WEEK - WHERE THE FUCK IS MY CAMERA PHONE??? Are you kidding me? This douchebag has no idea that I’m taking a picture of him?

Now before you see the photo (for those of you that still have a 14 inch monitor and have to scroll down - seriously - a fucking 21″ is like $89 - buck up already) - wait - where was I - oh yeah - fail photo…

I know it’s a shitty photo but it’s the best I could do at 40mph. For those of you who were not in the Longwood Florida area today, let me explain. This fine specimen of a man was advertising for L.A. Fitness.

Despite his 1920’s-era sandwich board wares, this poor bastard didn’t realize that perhaps the best way to entice members to join a health & work-out club is to try something other than LOOKING LIKE A FUCKING POTHEAD STANDING IN FRONT OF A FUCKING LIQUOR STORE!!!

I am so done with society! WHY THE FUCK AM I NOT A FUCKING BILLIONAIRE YET???

My ongoing war against the homely overweight dating site eHarmony continues as we all come to realize that they also have no sense of order… bastards

Want to know more about my personal eHarmony hell? -

eHarmony Matches You On 29 Dimensions of Compatibility

Pickles is done! Pickles has had enough of:

1. A corrupt credit system
   
2. Wasteful government spending
   
3. Bullshit “Patriot” Act laws that give the government the right to lock up anyone who disagrees with authority
   
4. Evil bankers who prey on the public
   
5. Utility companies that cannot float commercial paper due to the crappy credit markets so they hit their customers with additional deposits and as an excuse tell them “Well you’ve been two or more days late in the past 12 months so we have to protect our interests”. The client’s choice? Pay up or sit in the fucking dark! (What? You thought it was only you?)
   
6. The gi-normously huge, eye-popping, economy-saving number of houses that have been saved by the $850,000,000,000 government bailout. (Oh yeah - in case you haven’t heard - NO FUCKING HOUSES HAVE BEEN SAVED!!!)
   
7. and…………………….
   
   …….this latest gem from Bloomberg takes the fucking cake.

   Fed Refuses to Disclose Recipients of $2 Trillion

   That’s right folks! Your elected officials gave this PRIVATE CORPORATION the authority to lend $2,000,000,000,000 of YOUR MONEY and they have basically said, “uh - we did something with it - uh - I’m sure it’s here somewhere - uh - Stevens, have you seen it? - No? - Fuck! We’ll have to get back to you on that one guys.”

   

   (You didn’t know the Federal Reserve was a private corporation? You may want to reconsider your level of civic commitment in the society in which you find yourself).

   Let’s face the facts my fine folks (alliteration rocks but that’s not the point), we are going to hell in a hand basket. If any of you think this economy is about to turn around, you may want to study your history. We are set for the mother of all depressions which should become more and more apparent as we approach Summer/Fall 2009.

   Get Ready People! Pickles knows things…

   

   PS - Pickles is transitioning his lifestyle and portfolio to cash, barter, silver, gold (in that order - try to find my shit now you greedy mother fuckers!)

So WTF is this crap with the measurement guides on coffee makers? This stems from about 5 minutes ago when I was making my second pot of coffee for the day and I noticed that the first pot I made was put together with the “10 cup” measurement on the coffee maker.

I thought - there is no way I had 10 cups already. I’m not awake yet. So I try to remember…sure enough…three cups! Then I get to thinking - WTF? Did I fall through a rift in the universe in which coffee math and real math are not in alignment? Nope - my computer is still here so I must still be here.

Then, in a moment of brilliance, I start to think that the coffee maker measurement for a cup is just that - a cup. As in 2 cups to a pint bullshit from 2nd grade math. This gets me to think further as to where and why this measurement was chosen for coffee makers. Who drinks a freaking literal “cup” of coffee? Seriously?

This is bullshit and Pickles demands retribution from the false advertising coffee making world…

Fuck off and die you fucking pieces of shit! I hope you all get ball cancer and die a slow, miserable death. Fucking crooks!

Fuck you - fuck you - fuck you! Fucking scumbags!!! This is the shit that revolutions are made of. You piss me the fuck off one more fucking time and I’m going to deliver hell to your fucking doorstep! Believe it motherfuckers!

During a rambling conversation during a normal persons tridition of something we like to called “Thanksgiving” we soon discovered that watchtower lookouts Jehovah Witnesses don’t celebrate shit.  They are however fond of Family get togethers.

Can anyone tell me what a Jehovah’s Witness is?  As a kid I grew up thinking they we’re stinky pony tailed, robe wearing freakshows that hangout in airports.  Now before you get all up in my ass on this I simply learned this from watching Scooby Doo.

Weddings, anniversaries, and funerals are observed. Religious holidays such as New Year’s Day, Easter, Halloween, and Christmas are not celebrated, as Jehovah’s Witnesses believe these customs come from ancient false religions. They also refrain from celebrating birthdays.

BIRTHDAYS? WTF

Pickles has gone from swift-kicking people in the balls to outright stabbing them.  I’ve long known of Mr. Pickles affection for random aggressive maneuvers during outings of drinking (See Mr. Pickes Post - Bar Math…) Where he tried to find explnation of why there’s a photo of my arm on his cell phone…

IT’S BECAUSE YOU STABBED ME WITH A BIC PEN ASSHOLE!

And of course like two little girls we run off the the bathroom and inspect the damage… soon forgotton I remember I like having my picture taken

WTF was I thinking, “Sure everyone lets go back to Panda Express, there’s no way they could still be running out of food at lunchtime”

OH MY FUCKING GOD YOU CAN’T BE SERIOUS….

no food, nothing, some shitty 3 hour old crap that never sells and maybe a pathic springroll.

It’s 12:30pm at a major intersection and you have no food, I hate you, really Panda Express I fucking hate you.  I’m hungry and so is the 6 people behind me.  Screw this I start a scene.

“This is why I hate coming here, there’s never any food and they are never prepaired” (This draws looks from the Mexicans cooking my Chinese food) I continue “I’m going to Chiplotes, whoever heard of a chinese place that out of Fried Rice for crying out loud.”

At this point they start to panic, I never cause a scene and I’ve never been one on confrontation but I see myself losing $9 to a place I should of known better then to come back to!

I’ve officially lost my mind, I take out my cell phone and start taking their pictures in a fit of journalistic rage.

Dear Panda Express,

I’m not a fucking Panda, I don’t eat bamboo, FEED ME

Signed -Jones

Panda Express Sucks PART 1

Two slices of thin crust and a plastic cup of bear is like $12?!  Honestly the only saving grace of me hoping you don’t go out of fucking business is that fact your pizza is pretty damn good.  Beer wasn’t bad either but I’m not giving you credit for that.

Granted I got Ham & Pineapple on it but guys comon, times are tough, do you know what kind of fare I can receieve for $12 out on the track at lunchtime?  WITH the beer is should be a $6-7 buck meal.  Shit come to think of it I should of chipped in the extra $2 and bought a whole fucking pizza.

Fix your shit

American Pie Pizza Company