Nicklaus, Snead, Norman, Woods, Pickles…

Since everything we try to plan ends in a giant clusterfuck, we should have known better than to expect a different result this time around. Uhhh - no….

Our mutual friend Chewbacca decided to join us so we all scrambled at the last minute to find a fourth. Who would have known that everyone the three of us know may have already made plans for their Saturday and couldn’t get their ass to the course in the 27 minutes we gave them before our tee time. Fuck ‘em….it’s a three-some (not like that - it’s a golf term, faggot)

Because we are all poor as hell we decide to play at what is advertised as “the busiest golf course in the Southeast USA”. No shit - $15 for a round with cart, $1.00 shots, and $2.00 beers…yeah…this is going to end well…

Just before it’s our turn at the tee, some dude walks up and introduces himself as “Tom from New Jersey”. He’s on vacation and wanted to get some golf in before he goes home. The Ranger decided he should play with us.

Well, Pickles and Chewbacca are already in a cart together and Jones is in tow, when Mr. Jersey plops his ass into Jones’ cart…

From that moment forward, he was “affectionately” referred to as “Timmy”!

The day started with an overly-packed course filled with people of all sorts who make me feel like Tiger-Freaking-Woods at St. Andrews. Seriously - dude - Jeans and a Hooters shirt - really? When this crew has to comment on your golf clothing, you have issues…really…ask our friends…you suck…get off my course and out of my freaking way already…

We had some of this….

A lot of this…

and a healthy dose of this…

Long story short, this place was so busy we played three hours and only got in the front nine.

Soooooo…GOLF GODS HEAR ME WELL!!!! YOU OWE JONES AND PICKLES SOME BACKSIDE NINE ACTION!!!! (again - golf term - not in a man-pleasing way - we like chicks and have proof!)

Pickles out….

PS - Message to Galaxie - “Golf Cart In The Lake” is still a crowd favorite! 2009! It’s the new 1997!!!

Let’s check in with all of my friends around planet earth to see how they spent the arrival of baby new year.

Like everything that happens in the lives of Jones and Pickles, let’s start with the normal and slowly progress to the strange…

New York City

Normal folks - kissing in Times Square - good ol’ American New Year’s Eve!

New York City - Part 2

Earlier that day in Times Square - these nice young ladies came to the Big Apple with dreams of the “Best New Year’s Like Ever! Totally!”. Unfortunately, they each left with the bastard love child of some dude named “Chocolate Thunder”. That’s life in the big city ladies. Happy New Year!

US Military - Iraq

Do American’s know how to party? You’re 4,000 miles from home and it’s 182 degrees in the middle of the fucking desert during winter, but does that slow you down? Hell No! Who wants to see my IED?

California - USA

Uhg… Hey Arnold - Happy New Year - You will not be back!

Berlin, Germany

In the true German tradition, at midnight, you kiss your girl then you LIGHT YOUR HEAD ON FIRE IN HONOR OF DAS FEUER!!!!

Lisbon, Spain

I only included this one because it’s a photo of revelers in Lisbon, Spain and the dude who took the photo is named “Nacho Doce”. Seriously? You live in Spain and your name is Nacho? Fucking Awesome!

Sydney, Australia

We couldn’t leave out Sydney - they are the first major city in the world to cross into the new year so Happy New Year Mates!

Some Towel-Head Country

Enjoy our oil money for another year you fucking beach-polo-playing-camel-fuckers!!!

Hong Kong - P.R.C. (Yup - it’s been 12 years - that shit is gone forever)

Apparently in Hong Kong, you celebrate the new year by running into a 37 degree ocean and drowning yourself. Oh well - there’s another 2 fucking billion of them to go…

Some shit-hole in Asia

Just another day here…what the hell are you Americans talking about again?

Tokyo, Japan

I had no idea - it seems that in Japan on NYE, you put on womans’ clothing and ass fuck an eel…Happy New Year Daniel Son! My rice-dick bring you good luck in 2009!

Palestine

Oh wait - let me guess - death to the infidels in 2009! Death to America! Death to Obama! Happy New Year Camel-Fuckers! Here’s to another year of Jesus dominating over Muhammad. Boo-Yah! You feel that? That’s Christianity Fucking With You! (I’m so going to die now…)

So now that I’ve done my part to offend people the world-over, here’s a poem for 2009…

Rose are Red
Violets are blue

My scotch is running low
and my bank account is too

If your life sucks in 2009
You can always compare it to Jones’ and mine

Despite plans for success and world-domination
we know better than to give into jail-bait temptation

Yeah - LG - that one was for you
Find a good man that’s good for you too

I’m buzzed off Johnny Walker
and I don’t know what’s next

Holy shit I’m mostly drunk
and just rhymed that crap-text

So Happy New Year to all and to all a good night
I’m off to get loving of hugs, kisses, and bites!

She won’t care Pickles! Publish this shit!

Oh fuck - I think I’m going to puke….Ohhh!!! Popcorn!!!

what was I doing again?

Do I have any scotch left? FUCK YEAH!!! THREE MORE FUCKING GLASSES!!!!

Scotchy-schotchy-schotchy….

maoiHF8ahwfionqEGNuoqghoGNQasfnasoifhaoiafnoiauou niowqjhrioqwejrioqiopjqrpjqrpoqkf!!! mii ,l,uy lysl;ohrnnf8889 klkaul;00- lllsal;;!11 new year….

wtf

Motherfuckin Japanese Anal Eels

More proof Ellis was right and Monkeys will soon be taking over… think of this as our Monkey News, reddragons all

Hope Jacoby, Blowjob Trainer

Sheriff’s deputies were informed of the unlawful acts by someone who saw a text message photograph, Amormino said. The boy was between 14 and 17 years old.

Jacoby, who lives in San Juan Capistrano, was jailed in lieu of $100,000 bail, Amormino said. Investigators believe there may have been other victims, he said.

Sheriff’s officials arrested Jacoby because she abused a “position of trust,” Amormino said. “Even though the age gap may be fairly close, it’s still illegal and we will arrest,” he said.

God DAMMIT, I used to be in school, I used to have a female trainer in sports, but guess what, I NEVER GOT A FUCKING BLOWJOB FROM HER and worst of all SHE DIDN’T LOOK LIKE THIS!

I mean really, I’m not even going to get into the whole “Who the hell turned her in” thing but really, do we have to convict this girl?  can’t we just put her in a house with Casey Anthony and have some sort of Hot Chick House on Fox Thursdays at 8pm?

Pouty face because she wants Jones' man sauce

Hope Jacoby MySpace page

From her MySpace:

About me:
Let’s see. there’s a lot to tell…maybe. My names Hope

~I love goin out. Im a huge fan of the hug. I hug all my friends, and think its an important way to say hi and bye. If I dont hug you, I probably dont like you. Either that or you make me totally nervous, so I wont do it. And it doesnt necessarily mean its a good nervous either.

~I try to be a positive person…and surround myself with positive people. I believe in karma, however i also think that no matter how good of a person you are, bad things are gonna happen to you. To me, bad things happen to make you a stronger person and you’re meant to learn from them.

~I have a lot of random thoughts. I don’t express em very often tho, cuz they can be far fetched, but as long as i know what i mean, who cares right?

~I’m not really a jealous person, except once in awhile i seem to get super jealous over something stupid. im weird that way. All it takes is a little talking to and i get over it.

~It takes a whole lot for me to get mad, but doesnt take much at all for me to get over it. If it’s something small, and im mad, just let me get over it and i won’t ever bring it up again. Sometimes that gives people the idea to walk all over me and i sometimes let it happen. I need to work on changing that.

~I have strong opinions, but if you show me how your way is better i might just change my mind.

~Sometimes i chill with people even if i don’t like them. I dont pretend to like them, but i don’t show i don’t like them either. That doesn’t make me fake, that makes me courteous. If i don’t like you, then im sure it’s for a good reason.

~Most girls talk too much. I’m one of them. But i don’t want friends who do. Therefore girls who are my friend are special. And not like most girls. I like hanging out with guys cuz they’re a lot easier to talk to. They don’t like drama, and neither do i.

~I may come off as full of myself, but i promise it’s a front. I don’t have the highest self-esteem, but i don’t think i’m a bad person either. It’s a weird position to be in. Wow this is long. stop reading.

FUCK THIS JONES WANTS A BLOWJOB, LG where are you….

Jones reacts to Hope’s levels of hottness (btw is you are currently as hot as Hope, feel free to contact Jones at his email jones@jonesandpickles.com and fill out the application.)

Never regret Love’s sorrow and pain
For Love given freely is never in vain

If you’ve never experienced Love’s life-altering cost
You’ll never appreciate Love’s life-altering loss

When two hearts that were one are broken in half
There’s much less of a summation after the fact

The dawn seems too dim when loves comes to an end
But two who loved as one should always be friends

Respect is the key to finding love anew
There’s nothing gained in being hurtful, petty, and cruel

When the debts are high and the assets are few
You should work through the nonsense as two friends should do

Whenever I feel lost and defeated as a man
I trust in a higher Power, for He has a plan

The drink and the nightlife comfort me a bit
But in the end, I know, it doesn’t mean shit

Despite my outward persona I pray to above
and thank the Good Lord for my friends, family, and love

And to my new Love I promise this shall pass
I swear that I’ll learn from the experience of what’s past

Wow, I just wrote that and it sounds so gay
But just like Carlito said, “Sometimes it be’s that way…”